Poison

I was hoping to never get "personal" on this blog, but I do feel that sometimes one has to vent or discuss where they are coming from. Seeing as how I cannot afford regular ol' therapy, I've been thinking about doing some art (self) therapy. Lately I haven't really been doing art for myself or I've been crafting instead of drawing/painting. I do have a few events coming up in March so I'm not sure when I'll have time to start on this art therapy venture, but I feel it needs to be soon. The last few weeks I've been getting e-mails about people searching me on-line; these people are blood-related. I'm completely estranged from every relative and I find this disgusting that they're looking me up on-line. It's bad enough I had a contact on Facebook and hadn't realized (due to my own negligence) that this was a person who is friends with the woman who gave birth to me. It's not as if I have anything to hide or that I'm doing unsavoury activities and posting deplorable pictures. Actually my Facebook is pretty boring. I post a witty status update once in awhile (I'm not a fan of those updates that talk about taking the dog for a walk and what I'm making for dinner...who cares?! But that's a different rant and has no merit here). I try to promote cool events/places--ones I'm interested in going to or ones that I'm part of. I don't usually post pictures of myself--mainly photos of things I'm working on or food I cook, (cooking is a passion of mine). My family believes I'm this con-artist drug-crazed lunatic. This couldn't be further from the truth and if anything my Facebook is proof that my life isn't that dramatic! I can barely afford student loans, art supplies, living in an apt., etc. let alone support some drug habit.
So, if I don't have anything to hide, why should it bother me? Why should it bother me that these people have nothing better to do than obsess about where I am, what I'm doing, etc.? It bothers me because my life is f-ing amazing without them. I am devoid of all the negative energy that surrounds those people. At first I thought about trying to stay in contact with my Grandmother since she is the one person that I can say I truly cared about (dead company excluded, and my Aunt Sue and her children were pretty cool...), and then I thought forget it. I didn't want to be sucked into another drama of mother's. I'm sure it would be a re-run of her mother picking someone over her ("once again" as was one of her favourite sayings as the main victim in their soap opera riddled family). Mother can have the family. I don't want it. I don't want the misery wallowing, the back stabbing, the hypocritical/contradictory jabber that comes with these people. Playing games and getting caught up in all that b.s. is destructive; it's pure poison. I've been detoxing the 20-ish years of craziness. I'll never be fully rid of it all. I've got some issues to work out, I have a few personality flaws to curb because of the way I was brought up and the way I saw people treating each other. There never seemed to be true love...it's the convenience of a person that gets their affection. Once someone turns the tables, once someone needs you rather than you needing them, you're nothing more than a nuisance. You're trash, you're a hot potato, you become something to control (you need them so you have to abide by their rules), you become another thing to bitch about--a pro to these people. So that's the only joy you bring them is to be able to complain about your presence, or to give them fodder for a grand tale to spin. They're more than happy to believe the "con-artist, drug-riddled lunatic" story about me. I mean, who wouldn't believe it?! The gothic, eccentric artist, quiet/living in her head, obsessed with morbidity, outlandish girl who came from small town MI and then moved to the big scary city. She got all caught up in fast living, hard partying, living with reckless abandon and befriending people who do drugs, drink, and have alternative lifestyles! Please...if only my first few years of Chicago, or even now, were that dramatic! I know people who do drugs, I know people who drink A LOT, and I have friends with alternative lifestyles. I also know people who are in rehab, who don't drink, who don't do drugs, who are very conservative...I know conservative people who excessively drink and/or do drugs. I know "alternative" people who don't drink or do drugs. Personally, I don't even like to take Tylenol let alone take recreational drugs. I would also like to know with what money I'm supposed to be getting drugs. I used to drink a lot, and now I sometimes have a drink with my dinner or if I'm relaxing watching a movie at home and I drink socially when I can afford it. My point is, I'm doing well. Actually, I'm doing more than well, I am fortunate, blessed, and in a word, happy. I have a "day" job, I have an artistic talent that gives me hopes and dreams, I have pretty cool friends and acquaintances, an awesome boyfriend that has given me love and support that I never knew could exist within someone, a roof over my head, my bf's family who are the most loving and sincere people--I'm so proud to be accepted by them, and I hope that all of this continues. I'm bothered because the family I came from loves vengeance, they love misery, they love games, they love bringing others down in order to feel better about themselves. They love brushing off that things don't bother them by belittling and trying to snuff out someone's light. They love to pin their own faults on others, they love to take how they're feeling-their reality, and twist it to seem as if the other person is feeling or reacting in that way. It's a fantastic mind-f__k; brilliant really. I just don't want their toxic sewage spilling into this Eden I have come upon. I just want them to leave me alone. What I'm doing with my life is of no concern to them (as long as my student loans are being paid--a member of my family is a co-signer), and I would appreciate not being "followed" on-line. They don't exist in my present world and I don't want them existing in my future world. Keep your dilemma's; issues; toxicities to yourselves. I don't care what they're doing, social networking sites they belong to...because all it brings me is sickness. If I cared it would pull me into a darkness I don't want to be part of. I'm living my life for myself and for those around me who sincerely love each other and have allowed me into their lives. I have moved on, (or at least I'm doing my best to head forward), and I wish they would too.
So, back to art, as that is what this blog is about. After March I hope to start making a series of paintings and collages of all this tension I have from my past. I think it'll be an amazing healing ritual. I hope it will give me some sort of peace/release. I only expressed part of my confusion, anger, revulsion, etc. to a couple of close friends and haven't really gotten to say or exhibit my thought process whole-heartedly. I didn't want to be consumed or wallow--I wanted to make a clean break and really start living. I didn't want to have all of my feelings and my personal issues out in the open and I didn't want it to seem like I was attacking anyone, that I was blaming anyone, or that I was trying to get sympathy from people. My pieces will depict how I feel/felt; realizations I've come to about my past; the world I lived in unveiling itself for the twisted reality it really was. I know that my above statements seem as if I'm verbally attacking these people, but it really is the reality that I've come to know about them. There are damaging people in this world and some (not every single member, of course) belong to that family. The thing is they've been able to spread lies, use vulgarity towards me, play the victim card, etc. and I've been fine to let them sit and immerse themselves in all of their nonsense. I've been able to not really think about it all that much (I'm too busy to give it a whole lot of attention), but when it's thrown in my face, when it's blatantly brought up to me and it's clear that after a year they're still trying to seep into my world...I can't just suppress my thoughts/feelings anymore. I was doing so out of some conviction. That speaking about how I see the family and knowing how they work and knowing that they follow me on-line was going to somehow ruin everything I've worked for. Who knows...maybe it will, but it hasn't helped either. Me living in my corner of the world and trying to exist without acknowledging their presences in the universe hasn't stopped them from trying to "break in". It hasn't stopped them from sending out their negativity. I'm not doing this to shove anything in anyone's face or to give them satisfaction that I've acknowledged what they've been doing and that it bothers me. I'm not doing this to add detriment to anyone's character. I'm doing this for me and my stability. In fact, this has made me feel a bit better. I know it's a bit all over the place, ranty/tangenty, but I was trying to make a point about the up-coming art project I'll have going on. I'm much better at manifesting my thoughts/feelings through pictures or carefully crafted letters. However, I hope you've bared with me and will continue the journey along my virtual side. I'm slowly realizing it's okay to be human and to have moments where you just need to free form; to not have everything so organized and constructed.
Well, I have a last minute article to write for Kilter Magazine (shameless plug) http://www.kiltermagazine.org/ and some art to get done for the upcoming 1901 art exhibit http://www.myspace.com/thenineteenhundredandone